Site Meter If there were no words...: 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Dear Veronica
We will never forget you. Rest in Peace.

Veronica was an online diarist from Knoxville, TN and a friend to many who passed away as a result of an asthma attack this past Tuesday night. She will be missed by many.

Friday, January 09, 2004

new pictures!!



Jamie and his great-niece, Gabrielle in her Raider's dress.




JoJo, holding down the couch!



M&M relaxing under the tree!



Rambo, just chilling out!




Wednesday, January 07, 2004

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end, Love doesn't."


from "The five people you meet in heaven" by Mitch Albom

Friday, January 02, 2004

The year in review..
2003 was one of the most difficult years ever.

January 2003 was cold, quiet and pretty much uneventful.. I wish I'd treasured those quiet times more than I did.

February 2003 was another cold month of snow and ice, it felt like winter was never going to end and I took my first (and only!) 24 hour break from the internet mainly because everyone said I couldn't go 24 hours without going online. they were wrong.

Nothing significant happened in March of 2003.. but heres a repost of March 29th entry that I'd written at the other site..
today would have been his 85th birthday 3/29/2003
Dear Pa,
I went out and bought scratch tickets today, like I did every year on your birthday. You loved those scratch tickets and they were always the best gift to give you. I just wish you were here to scratch them off, to laugh when we didn't win, as usual. Or to be thrilled over winning $5 when you had no idea I'd spent $20-$30 on tickets for you.

Today would have been your 85th birthday. It seems like just yesterday that you were here celebrating with us, but in reality, its been almost 4 years.

I remember your 81st birthday party like it was yesterday. We were all there and you were so happy to have the company, someone switched the 8 and the 1 on your candle so you were only 18 for the day. I'm sure you loved that too. You talked about being 18 and we all groaned inside at listening to those stories again. But we listened anyhow, never knowing that you'd be leaving us 3 months later. We'd all give anything to hear one of those stories again.

So much has happened since you left us. Mom bought a new house and Mema lives with her now, so shes not alone anymore. She kept her promise to you to take care of her. M&M and Rambo are still here and doing well, Rambo will be 16 in May. I know he still misses you too. Its hard to tell what M&M is thinking.

I suspect you know all this, I think you've been watching over all of us. I take comfort in knowing that.

We all miss you so much.

Love, Maryanne


April 2003 we celebrated Jamie's birthday on the 4th and our anniversary on the 13th. On April 29th, Mema ended up in the ER again.. and we finally received a diagnosis after almost 7 months of wondering what the hell was wrong.


May 2003. My grandmother started her chemo on the 9th, then received her second and third treatments on the 12th and 13th.. by the time she'd had the last treatment she was pretty wiped out.
reposts from the other site follow.. its easier that way:
5/19/03
A long time ago, there was this little girl who spent her days with her grandparents, because her parents were always working and her grandparents were right next door, always willing to babysit and spend time with their granddaughter. The little girl spent many hours with both of her grandparents and cried for days one time when they took a trip to Canada, her grandparents were there when she fell off her bike the first time and a bandaid and a kiss made the pain go away.

What happens 30 years later when that little girl is now 34 and shes taking care of her grandmother whos sick and in pain and a bandaid and a kiss won't make it go away.


If you read my weblog, which I update daily, you already know my grandmother has good days and bad days. and that she has mouth sores that are getting a little better, but not much. The mouth sores go all the way down her throat, making eating hell. She says she wants to eat, but it hurts too much. She can eat small amounts of food, well processed food. If I'd processed her dinner anymore, it would have disappeared. WATER hurts to swallow. The doctor gave her Magic Mouthwash, if you know someone who had this side effect of chemo, you already know how wonderful this stuff is. Its not helping. very much anyway. We give her a tylenol 3 a half hour before every meal, along with the mouthwash. But it still hurts. I got some of those protien shakes, its better than nothing. hopefully those will work. I really thought this time was going to be easier, I must have been in some serious fucking denial.



She had an appt today for a checkup, just the walk from the house to the car exhausted her, we bring her from the car to the doctors office in a wheelchair (the medical building has a ton of them, luckily) so the only walking she has to do is in and out of the house. Her blood count was very low, he gave her a procrit shot and some other type of shot (i have no clue what it was. I have total trust in her doctor*1/2/04 update-never, ever trust a doctor*) and she'll be having a blood transfusion on Thursday. Hopefully between the transfusion and the shots, she'll start to feel a little better and her mouth will start healing as well.


its so hard to watch someone you love suffer when you can't do anything to make them better :*(


I cried all the way home, stopped and got a coffee and went and sat at the beach for awhile, drank my coffee and just stared at the waves. inhaled the smell of the sea and just tried to forget it all, just for awhile.
~
wednesday 5/21/2003
Today didn't seem as long, I managed to get a few things done here before heading out to my mom's to spend the day with my grandmother. She was very tired today, she was asleep when I got there at 9:30, I woke her up at 10:30 and she fell back asleep from 2-4. Hopefully tomorrows transfusion will make a difference. Obviously, I'm frustrated, my mom and I both are. I talked to her about an hour ago and she said she'd just helped her to bed for the night. My grandmother NEVER goes to bed before 10 or 10:30. I know my mom's not going to sleep too well tonight, I have a feeling I'll be awake half the night myself.
~
thursday 5/22/2003
Email I sent to my cousin earlier:

Sally,

Gram is back in the hospital, she was scheduled for a transfusion this morning.. which she will be getting.. Mom ended up calling the rescue this morning because she was too weak to get out of bed, she didn't have a fever, but her temperature was very low. Her blood sugar and blood pressure were very low as well. I stayed at the hospital til 10, and my mom called me with an update a few minutes ago telling me about the low blood sugar and low blood pressure and they're getting some food into her now and they'll be admitting her, once admitted, they'll start the transfusions and do whatever else they have to do.


She knows where she is and she knows why, shes talking pretty good as well.. I'll keep you guys informed as we find stuff out.


don't hesitate to call or email me if you've got any questions.. I'll be in and out of here most of the day.


love, Mary


The email pretty much says it all, I came home since my mom's staying there with her, we've spent so many hours in that damn ER and I just couldn't sit there any longer, but I can't sit here any longer either so I'm headed back over in a few.
~
email I sent out at 7PM on May 22nd:
my grandmother passed away this afternoon at 5:30.


this came as a total shock to us all. She was scheduled for a blood transfusion this morning since the chemo she received on the 9th, 12 and 13th of this month pretty much wiped her out, she'd been tired for the past few days and we were hoping the transfusion would give her a bit more energy. They started her on platelets in the ER and brought her upstairs to a regular room, we noticed a difference in her right away, she seemed very out of it, her blood pressure was very low and she was cold. they called her doctor and my mom talked to him, we found out then that the cancer was metastatic, it had spread everywhere. Right after that, they gave her fluids and then she coded. the doctor asked us what we wanted to do and we were in such shock, since we'd just found out 5 minutes before that the cancer had spread. my mom told them to do whatever they had to do and they brought her back. After that they brought her to ICU and kept her comfortable and told us her options. We knew my grandmother wouldn't want to be kept on life support, her sister came in and the three of us stayed with her until she passed on.


I honestly have no clue what to do right now. She really was the most important person in my life, she meant the world to me and I cannot even tell you how this loss affects me. I've spent the last 9 months taking care of her, and 7 years ago I spent 2 years taking care of her. I talked to her several times a day, called her for pretty much anything, we shopped, she was like my best friend. I'm lost.


totally lost.


we had no warning.. its so sudden and it just doesn't seem real.

~
the next day's entry..
5/23/03
Its raining out this morning, almost like the whole world is crying with me.I slept some last night, not much. I think I managed 3 hours total.
Still doesn't seem real.I consider myself so lucky to have had this time with her, to have had the past year off to spend countless hours with her, taking care of her, taking her to appts, and everything else. All the shopping trips and long talks.


When she passed, my mom said "I can almost picture her walking into Pa's arms now"
~
May 28th entry:
saying goodbye 5/28/2003
Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life.

The calling hours were from 10-11 with a service right after, then a graveside service at the cemetary. We got there at 9:00 since we had decided to have open casket for immediate family only. It was so hard. My mom, Jamie and I stayed there with her for about a half hour before anyone else showed up. We left our letters for her, a few pictures and her drivers license (She was always so proud of her license cause she didn't think she'd be able to renew last year because of her eyesight, so we let her bring it with her) We sat with her and talked to her, she looked good,

There was a good turnout for the calling hours and almost everyone stayed for the ceremony as well, several of my mom's co workers showed up and stayed for the service even though only one of them is required to go and stay a few minutes for calling hours. My mom was shocked that they'd stayed. Almost all of Jamie's family showed up, distant relatives of mine that I hadn't seen in years, and alot of my high school friends who knew her from spending countless hours at her house with me (I had my own room at her house) The service was lovely, she would have liked it and almost everyone went to the cemetary as well. We had a police escort, which I think my grandmother would have loved and we got to the cemetary and we had to go to the chapel instead, because of all the rain they hadn't finished digging the hole yet. My mom and I both left there feeling like we'd hadn't gotten the closure we needed. We felt like we'd left her in the chapel. We went back tonight at 5:00 and stayed for quite awhile, it was so hard leaving her there, and knowing it was forever. We each took a rose to bring home and dry.Its just so hard to comprehend that we're never going to see her again


June 2003.. we try to move on, as best we can.


July 2003.. July 2 marked 4 years since we lost my grandfather.
July 25th. we moved... M&M went MIA for 4 days.


August 2003.. started looking for work again and tried to get all 3 cats to get along.

September 2003. I turned 35.
repost of September 29th entry:
a letter to Mema
Dear Mema,


My birthday is tomorrow, the first birthday without you. I miss you. I found the card that you'd picked out for me and I put it up with my other cards, the only difference is that yours isn't signed. I wish, more than anything in the world, that you were here to sign that card.


Last year we talked about my birthday a week before, you told me you'd give me my birthday check when you got out of the hospital and you asked if that was okay. I told you then that the only thing I wanted for my birthday was to have my Grandmother back and that wish came true.


I kept my promise to you and joined Weight Watchers, I've lost 37.2 lbs so far.

Its hard, sometimes, being in your house. I look at your chair that now sits empty. the kitties sleep in it alot now.. I think they find comfort in sleeping in your chair.


JoJo loves living here, I regret never bringing him out to visit when you were here. I figured if I ever brought him out here, he'd go under the bed and he'd stay there for a week. He actually did quite well with getting used to the house. Then when M&M and Rambo came in, he got possessive over what he thought was his house and chased them out! 2 months later they've finally adjusted. M&M still hisses at him quite a bit, but Rambo doesn't seem to care that hes here.


I'd like to think that you're in a happy place now and that you're with Pa. I'd also like to think that Patches, Adios and Oreo are all there with you too. I know how much you loved Patches, you said she was the only one out of the 4 that you didn't have to worry about biting you!


You passed away so suddenly that we didn't get to say alot of the things we wanted to, we said them in letters that we put in your casket, but we never said them to you. Did you know that that day was your last day? Is that why you asked me to hold your hand while you were getting the platelets and why you touched mom's face when she was sitting with you. I think you knew.. I just wish you could have told us.. even though I probably would have said "you're not going anywhere!" We all miss you so much... you were the heart of the family.


I love and miss you very much,


Maryanne



October 2003.. kept busy.. went to Salem for the day and spent a few days at the Cape with Jamie.. kept looking for work.



November 2003.. finally got a job.. came home and bitched about how much my feet hurt, but its okay.. cause I finally found a job I liked and the people are great as well.
repost from 11/13:Today was my second day of work and I made cookies. I got PAID for making cookies. I really like this job. I made oatmeal raisin, chocolate chip, M&M, sugar and peanut butter cookies. 30 dozen of each.
repost from 11/14: Today I started learning cake decorating. Otherwise known as Apron Decorating, since by the time I'd done about 4 cakes, my apron had more frosting on it than the cakes. seriously. I was having fun though, so its okay. I didn't realize til I got home that my jeans had frosting all over them too. I guess I'm not a neat cake decorator! I did pretty good though, considering it was my first time..
and we manage to get thru Thanksgiving.


December 2003.. we make it through Christmas as well.


Its been a hell of a year.. but I've made it.. thanks to all of you who have been there all year long.


Mema, with my cousin Sally and Max. taken in November 2001